its funny how without reading last years entry, i know exactly what happened, what with today being my birthday and all.

in retrospect, that entry can sum up the relationship with the ex, i guess.

today is a wednesday, so i can post a freewill astrology. "The future is already here," says science fiction writer William Gibson. "It's just not very evenly distributed." Your job in the coming weeks, Libra, is to locate hotbeds where the future is concentrated, and put yourself in the midst of them. It's time, in other words, for you to escape from the wan, sludgy places where the past is masquerading as the present. You're ready to thrive on the delightful shocks of the new.

oddly enough i had been thinking about a freewill astrology horoscope i read a long long time ago that told me that i had a mantra to uphold- "it's my turn damnit" (i even wrote an entry about it). i was also instructed to chant "om nahama shivaya" in conjunction with the my turn crap.

yesterday i made my way to some sex shop near my house, as i am going to a bachelorette party this weekend and need to pick up some panties for the bride. well, some song came on while in the sex shop, chanting "om nama shivaya." maybe it is my turn then. finally. i thought i had my turn. maybe it was just a warmup. whatever. regardless, my life has lately been turning a lot to yoga and slight meditations. i've been reading more about yoga and the principles that go along with it.

there was an article in yogachicago that mentioned forgiveness. and that to truly forgive is to simply mean that you choose not to be in a state of suffering over what happened. it has nothing to do with being right or wrong. i understand that and would like to take that point of view. but it is difficult to separate the mores and morals that you live with constantly, as well as that need for approval, from the acts that people commit towards you. and so i find myself only half in a state of forgiveness.
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i forgive you for the things that you cannot control. i understand that you probably just fell out of love with me. as much as you try, you cannot steer your heart. it grabs the reins and takes you where it feels most fulfilled. but i do not forgive you for the things you had control over. the let down. picking her up. and of course your simple ability to not tell me the truth. i held our communication in the highest regard. and simply, i cannot forgive you for letting me down. i cannot forgive you for being a worse person than i thought you were. those things were all in your hands. and your freewill exists. have some personal accountability.
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there were other articles about anger. and others about yoga of course. this all just seems fitting. fitting into where i am right now and who i need to become.

i will go into this evening, a dinner with friends, without expectations. and maybe this year things will be better on the tenth. maybe more full of love than last year, as strange as that may sound.