i was a mess saturday. and friday.

my roommates and friends were proud of me, but i was a mess inside. ashamed. but mostly confused. mostly.

i don't like making out with strangers. but apparently i do it. after being at an art show all night, drinking cheap wine. coming home to my roommates and going out with them to celebrate me getting a raise. and then making the idiotic move to stay at the local lesbo bar after both roomies leave.

i just feel...dirty. and dumb.

i think about being in relationships all the time. i think about meeting people and wanting to go out, in search, i guess. and i think i know what i want. i see a girl i made out with awhile ago and say hi. give her my number. because thats what i'm supposed to do.

i don't want to bore you with the details, and i don't want to record the details either. i went home alone, but not before making out with some other RANDOM girl who grabbed me on my way out the door.

i went home that night and cried, cried myself to sleep on a half eaten piece of pizza.

the next morning, regret and shame and emptiness. i do not know what i want, and i cannot go out and be the person that i was friday night. it feels foreign and awful.

i am in a place where i am preoccupied with finding someone who wows me. but settles for a lot less and ends up regretting it.

maybe i just need to be alone. until the wow comes along. maybe i shouldn't be out searching for it. maybe i just need to be in a quiet place in my life.