not a good weekend.

ran into the ex and her ginormous posse at the local bar. i was steadfast and refused to leave. then i got upset. not in the traditional "i'm going to cry at the bar" way. just frustrated because once again: things look so easy for her, she gets to crash the party*, who has she become, why do i even care who she becomes, and oh yeah this still hurts.

i always feel like i have something to prove. something that i need to show to her and the world she lives in. but then i remember that she probably isn't even caring/looking to see what i'm proving these days. and then it hurts even more.

my friends wanted to leave, and i had the notion that it would be a good idea for me to stay by myself. just to show how resilient i was. thank god they convinced me to leave, otherwise i probably would have ended up drunker than need be, barfing and crying in an alley in subzero temps. instead i left, in a huff, upset over all of the above named things.

i went home and blew past my roommate, slammed my door and lay in my bed crying. i'm not sure why. i couldn't think of a good reason. because i still feel abandoned. because i still think she owes me an apology. because she just doesn't care. because she's got a new set of hot (and yet almost guaranteed assholy) friends. because no one calls me anymore. because the one person who used to know me best has turned into an asshole and no longer cares. because i still hear the echoes of i love you when i see her. because it is so hard for me to understand how people can hurt each other. because i want to be wanted. because i want to be fulfilled. because i want to be comforted and safe.

after that i got out of bed and played the wii with my roommates til 3 in the morning. which was a much better way to end the night rather than passing out in my bed in a pool of tears.

*meaning she comes in with her own posse and gets to also say hello to everyone i'm with because they know each other, while i sit there in stunned/angry/confused silence.