what's going on in the universe?

i have run into the ex 4 times in the past three weeks- more now than i have in the 10 months since we broke up. it seems longer than that. and shorter all at the same time.

for the first time, i had the upper hand in a situation. i don't' think she was expecting to see me (and i wasn't exactly expecting to see her either) at an open gym event. i showed up late, so i'm sure that she didn't think i'd saunter in an hour into the event, all ready to play.

it was the first time since we've broken up that i was more in my element than she was. i have forged friendships with the people at the open gym. she was sans posse. although i was shocked to see her, i knew i could handle it. things were weird at first, as i mentioned i was caught by surprise at her attendance to this event.

i had been waiting and wanting this kind of situation to happen. where i felt like i had more power. i can't say that it felt good- i thought it would feel good. but i don't think it did. if anything, it made me more empathetic towards her, which most people would probably think of as a bad thing. and it probably is. i feel bad for her. i feel bad that she's turned into a completely different person. i feel bad for her old friends (my friends) that she's an asshole now.

i thought it would be vindicating to have the upper hand in the situation. it wasn't. somehow we ended up on the same team for a scrimmage, and while standing about and figuring out positions, i did the adult (ha!) thing and nodded at her. i couldn't go an entire evening on the same team and not make eye contact. she responded vocally in a voice i didn't recognize, with a tone of vulnerability masked in cheeriness. it was so fake it was laughable. and i guess that hurt a little.

at some point in the night while she was subbed out, she quietly snuck away. i though that would be the last time i would see her. friday i had a game and for the first time in 10 months, i ran into her on the street. once again, she was sans posse. i made eye contact and walked by.

now guess what? she somehow finagled her way into the already sold out soccer league. which means i'm going to have to see her every friday night now. which is fine. i don't mind seeing her when we are on even ground. but the way she is, with her insecurities, she will probably invite her girlfriend and all of their friends. so that is when things will start to suck. luckily i have a lot of people in that league who care about me.

what.ever...

i'm going to have to see the both of them in 5 days anyway at a charity art event. i guess this is how life goes on.

in other news, i have awful fuckin' cramps. son of a bitch.