there was a plan.

it started out long ago with the lofty idea that i would maybe be dating someone by now. and i could take my date. and be proud, unashamed, not defeated, and generally happy.

that didn't work.

so i decided to ask a girl who i hd an interest in. look ma, attraction. i actually got pseudo-ballsy and asked her out (it was through the internet, so i can't actually claim any real sort of bravery). i survived that rejection.

still that counts as once again not working.

so then i decided to ask an attractive friend of mine who i used to have a crush on. it would work well. we'd have fun. it'd look like i was on a date. i would feel proud and unashamed and have a generally good time. and i'd have some sort of emotional support in case things didn't go so well.

she said yes. i bought a ticket. a $100 insurance policy that i'd have someone there to support me.

and then she called today to tell me that oooooops, she couldn't make it.

so now where am i? back up plan 1231298732 which involves me taking my roommate. yeah, i like him. he's fun to be with and makes me laugh. but sadly he doesn't pack the same sort of punch i was hoping for- it's just not the same to have some dude you live with on your arm, when all along you wanted to have some pretty girl as a trophy. as a fuck you. as something that wasn't as obvious as emotional support.

there was a plan. and now there is none. i honestly wouldn't be surprised if at 5pm tomorrow i got a phone call from the boy, telling me that he couldn't go. and i'd have to beg someone from work to be my date. and then what? then i'd have someone i don't really care about, not really caring about the situation i'm walking into- so vulnerable. so fucking vulnerable.

part of me wants to think this: maybe having a guy date will make me look more available to the loads of intelligent art appreciating dykes who will be at the event. and we'll strike up magical conversation and i'll be the flirty artist. an object of desire. something. someone. to be wanted. to be appreciated.

the other part of me thinks i'll collapse inside myself the way i kind of am now. because nothing is going as planned. there was a plan.

it's my opportunity. it's my fucking night, not hers. why can't i have that? why can't i just have that?

it's hard to be alone.