it was hard. harder than i expected, i guess. i found my eyes wandering across the crowds so i could find her and her. so i could look at them and feel a small rage. that's self destructive behavior, yes? but it was like i couldn't look away. staring at my own wounds, or something.

i found myself competing, artistically, with the new girl. why did she get to have 2 pieces up (because she's on the board that decides the pieces, duh)? how come only one piece bid on my piece and she had several bids on hers (because she probably knew a hell of a lot of people there, duh)?

and i of course found myself competing in other ways too. why didn't i have a real date? why doesn't anyone love me? how do you deserve being left?

i struggled with all of this while eating appetizers, drinking free drinks, and helping my boy roommate date hit on some girl. i struggled with this when i was looking at my own painting and explaining it to the roommate, and she sauntered up. and said her requisite and slap-in-the-face fake hello. i don't respond with more than a nod. she doesn't deserve more than that- at least not until she can realize whole heartedly that none of this is easy for me. that it still hurts to see her, everytime with or without her new girl (who is really no longer her "new" girl, since they have been dating for close to a year now).

i of course struggled with the fact that any and every girl i saw last night was either a)straight (ok, nothing new there). or b)a friend of the ex's new girl. that's probably one of the hardest things. knowing the population here, and knowing how damn incestuous and interconnected it is, that i won't ever be able to escape the two of them.

i met a few people. but not really. these things are always anti-climactic to me. as are most things, and i've mentioned it before. i have high hopes. or as someone i know would say, my standards are standing too high.

the redeeming part of the night? after being dropped off by a cab, contemplating going out (which would have probably resulted in more anti-climacticism...and hangover), i ran into a very good friend of mine who invited me into his house. it would have been a perfect way to end the evening if only we had been drinking cups of tea.

he listened to me and asked me questions, and provided a lot of insight right when i needed it. he's been in with the whole situation with me and the ex, as it has affected many parts of his life as well. so it was just good to sit and talk, even shed a few tears, and get out all the things that have been bubbling up again since i keep running into the ex.

oh, by the way, i'm sure to see her again this evening at soccer (biiiiiitch). he thinks it might be bad that we keep running into each other. i don't disagree, but offer the logic of inevitability into the fold. i can't keep running forever. hell, i hate running.