i just spent my evening on the couch, watching quality tlc programming, eating m&m's, uploading cds, and writing a myspace blog. it is almost 9:30 and i'm ready for bed. if my computer were off, i'd be headed towards slumber. but i guess it's a different blog time. it's diaryland time.

i was about to spurt out another self-deprecating entry, after having just grabbed my phone out of my bag. and guess what, no calls. because thats who i am these days.

but i guess i shouldn't be writing about this crap, because i was just musing about rehashing crap and the past and this and that.

so let's instead write about the girl who has a supposed crush on me. did i write about this already? if so, i guess i fail on the rehashing part. oh well.

anyway, there is this very sweet, smart girl who i play soccer with who apparently has a crush on me. or so it was revealed the other night. she's a great person, but we have nothing. no spark. no humor. no banter. to me, banter is really fuckin' important. and i understand that sometimes can build their way up to that point. but really, spontaneous connections rock, right? and i am thusly not attracted to her at all. on top of that, i know that i would probably end up being a bitch to her, or using her, or some other excuse i can come up with, since i'm not 100 percent over the ex. it just doesn't feel like time, you know.

so i fogret what it is like to be on the other end of a crush. in fact, i don't know that last time that a girl had a crush on me and i did not reciprocate. so this is kind of weird to me. i could use a friend (see above about no calls). but i don't want to lead her on. i don't want to be that girl. as for now, i suppose i'll just ignore it. though i must admit it's kind of hard to ignore when we IM during the day. because now i know, and now i react differently than i probably would have a week ago.

i'm not a big flirt, and so i know that i haven't been flirting with her. but like me, she probably mistakes kindness as interest. we'll see how this develops (or maybe better yet, how it doesn't develop). i just hate the fact that i'm pining away for a distraction, for someone good to come along and sweep me off my feet. and in meanders a nice smart and actually cute girl, who i have absolutely no interest in.

instead, i spend my nights trying to figure out if it would be weird for me to show up at my crush's next show.

does any of this have anything to do with damns? (see previous entry). i don't think so...