so i spent the evening with the friends i'm always claiming i don't have. i'll admit that i wasn't actually looking forward to it. things turn out better when i do that. but really, i kind of thought it was going to be how it has been in the past. where we all go out to dinner, and i feel alienated. whether i do it to myself (most likely) or it happens naturally, in the past year i haven't really felt like much has connected me to my friends except the past. i can recall countless times when we got together, and they would talk about dogs and children and their jobs, and i would just sit there. not because we weren't talking about the elephant in the room (giant fucking breakup) but because their lives were and are still moving in a direction that i am no longer familiar with. their lives and mine were no longer mirror images.

so it was refreshing when tonight we talked about silly things and played pictionary. where we sat around and didn't just watch tv. we interacted. we laughed. and i came out of the scared, ashamed, and reluctant shell that i had been in, around them, in the past. maybe it was the two glasses of wine. maybe it was something else.

i had been in a bad mood most of the day despite my catching vh1's top teen stars. i think it had been because of this: i have gone quite few days lately (no doubt due to the distraction known as the straight crush) without thinking of the xgf. and if i did, it was in passing and lacked any hint of disgruntlement or anger. so it was to my dismay that a friend of mine brought her up in conversation, in an albeit funny story, and i suddenly turned sour. i'm sure it had to do with a lack of something around the apartment- namely a cure for boredom. so thats how i approached this evening.

it was fun, even when the night turned to a quite serious conversation about the xgf. we talked about her current situation and how some people were worried about her. not like dire worry, but just in general. like her future with her new gf and how they are moving in together. and how she might be manipulative. a lot of questions arose, most without answer. but i took this away: no one thinks she is in a good place right now- that makes me both (awfully, and i mean that in a bad way) happy, and quite sad; and that as far as my friends are concerned, and despite the fact that her world doesn't usually extend much farther than the length of her own nose, she has only had positive things to say about me (which she rightly should).

enough about that.