my mind is consistently double crossing me. it leads me to believe something in one direction and then at an inopportune time, it tells me that everything i thought i knew was wrong. it is rather inconvenient.

i had a long conversation with the work crush today. nothing too exciting, but no overtly obvious flirting. i suppose that when it gets late at night, when i have a few drinks in me (but not enough to actually be drunk as i have been quite good in this state) and when i get back to listening to this mix...i fail myself. i think to myself that she could not possible have made this mix and have had me in mind. there is no way that she looks at me the way i want to be looked at. i and my mind are so used to one sided affairs that this is all foreign, and my gut instinct is to think that i am wrong about all the signs she has been giving me.

i suppose it is like my body fighting off a foreign body. it isn't used to it, so rejection is the first step. my mind is rejecting the idea that someone could actually like me, woo me, want me the way i like them back. i am so afraid of this happening the way i think it will because in my mind she is still a straight girl. i will fall, head, inevitably, over heels, and right when i think we are somewhere great she will go back to her real life. i think this because this has happened. confessions of love mean nothing if they don't hold water in the real world.

i like listening to this (extraordinarily long) mix because it is like reading a book. at least i like to think so. each song is a new chapter, and will hopefully reveal a new layer of wanting and feeling.
===
funny thing happened on thursday. work crush, myself, and work crush's boss all took a field trip down the street for 2 purposes. 1 ws that i had to go get cards for this weekend. 2 was a coffee run. on the way over, work crush's boss was talking about her friend susan (or something) who was involved in a relationship with a coworker and that most of their relationship developed over miscellaneous means of technology: chat, IM, facebook, whatever. i couldn't help but smile to myself and silently laugh because things are definitely progressing in that direction with me and the work crush. we talk online a lot. we are nervous and bashful in front of each other, at least i know thats how i feel. she probably talks a bit more than i do, and i welcome that. i was just amused at the timing and pertinence of this disclosure.

anyway, i need to go to bed. i've got a wedding to go to tomorrow. and while i could write about the events of the evening, they are not nearly as important as the above. though somehow they tie in.

thats all.