i just got called out by the work crush for making a mix with suggestive lyrics. ha, she's the one who put i want your sex on my mix. silly girl.

so funny. when she's not around, i get excited thinking about her. and when she is around, i am like a mannequin. i freeze. sort of. this is so very different than what i'm used to. but the only thing i can compare it to is how the relationship with the xgf evolved. and that can be described in one word: comfortable. i still remember the night of our first kiss: i went to her house after watching an episode of my socalled life. i think i had a beer. she had a beer and a ham sandwich. we sat on the couch and talked all night, with the tv on in the back to break the silence. the movie Chicago was on. and then it was 4 in the am, and despite my living a few houses away, i stayed the night. it made sense then. it was comfortable. even if i was feeling shy, she filled in all the holes with her bubbly personality (which i'm sure i would find awfully annoying now). and the first kiss was awkward, kind of. she hopped into bed, and we banged heads. then she asked to kiss me, and we did. and we were bosom buddies from that point on. we decided a few days later that we were actually dating. and things were just always comfortable.

this work crush thing is almost the opposite. i've known her longer than i knew the xgf, and yet things are, in a word, uncomfortable. no, i didn't say awful, i said uncomfortable. clumsy almost. sometimes i don't know what to do but smile. its not that i become a bumbling idiot like you'd see caricatured in some rom-com. i kind of think that part of it has to do with the fact that she doesn't actually ask a lot of questions- which i do. you start talking, i'm interested, i will inquire inquire inquire. she doesn't seem to do the same. and i'm not one to actually volunteer info right away, so there i am. like scotch tape over my lips.

but when we are apart, i am thinking that i would just like to be with her. as awkward as it may be.